The End.

My Bapa came home from his first chemo treatment session yesterday evening. He was suffering so badly. He would have muscle spasms, was so unbelievably nauseous to the point where he couldn't move without moaning loudly, and he was in just so much pain. I got to talk to him alone for a few minutes though. I told him that we loved him, and he started crying which made me cry. He told me that chemo was too hard on him, and that if he couldn't handle it, he would just throw in the towel. I told him to hang in there. He couldn't even walk to bed. My dad and Uncle Chris had to carry him on a chair to his bed. This morning he went to another appointment, and he decided not to go through with chemo. We also found out that his kidneys failed again. He won't do dialysis, so the longest he's expected to be around now is a few days. I only get to be with my Bapa for a few more days. I haven't cried yet, but there is a lingering sensation that I'm losing something very dear to me. His birthday is February 17. He would be turning 70 years old. There is a very small possibility that he would be able to make it that long only under certain circumstances. I'm so glad and grateful that we were able to leave Utah so fast and make it to Virginia to spend time with Bapa and Nany as much as we can. When Bapa passes we'll be able to comfort my grandma. This is happening so fast. Just only January 4th we found out about his problem. Now at the end of January he's only expected to live a few days into February. Things are happening so fast. First moving to Virginia, then a death in the family. I don't know. Is it worse to know that someone is dying in a matter of days? Or would it be better if it just happened? Would I want to know how long I'm going to live, or would I just want to live my life in unknowing and go when I go? *sigh* Life is full of knowing and unknowing. You can only be educated to a certain extent. After that it's a guessing game. One with good consequences and bad ones. Full of love and hate. Pain and ecstasy. Sorrow and joy. Life and death.

So many things are running through my head right now with no answers. My Bapa, school, Alexandria, Utah, people I love. I need to be distracted. I need to talk to someone. Watch a movie. Read a book. Go on a run leaving my problems in the dust until they finally catch up to me again. Use my imagination. Take a hot shower. Dream a dreamless sleep. Get a hug.

More later.

xoxo